


The Trouble With Dwarves

by Dimity Blue (Arnie)



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-11
Updated: 2013-05-11
Packaged: 2017-12-11 13:27:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/799244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arnie/pseuds/Dimity%20Blue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bilbo is almost robbed at knifepoint. The would-be thief realises his mistake.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Trouble With Dwarves

'The trouble with Dwarves,' Bilbo thought, as he headed down to the river in order to get washed for supper, 'is that they don't have enough meals in the day.' His usual routine of seven meals a day had been cut down to three, and one of those only occurred if Thorin thought it was time to stop. He had to admit though that Dwarves were very thorough when it came to meals - his empty pantry bore testimony to that - so once they did stop to eat, there was plenty of food. Unfortunately, there were also plenty of Dwarves willing to eat that food and they didn't consider it necessary to wash their hands before eating.

Bilbo trotted a little faster to the water's edge and slipped off his backpack so he could rummage for his soap. With any luck he'd be back before anyone started on seconds.

He'd just finished drying his hands when a large shadow fell over him. For a moment, he thought it was Gandalf but, looking up, he found it to be a human who was taller than Gandalf, wider than Bombur, and even less friendly-looking than Dwalin.

"Um...hello?"

The stranger smiled, revealing unlovely brown teeth with a number of gaps, but any hint of friendliness was dispelled by the wicked-looking knife he was pointing at Bilbo. "This yours, is it?" He indicated Bilbo's backpack with a jerk of his head.

"Uh, yes?" Bilbo considered drawing his sword, but the knife was approximately an inch from his nose and he was having to cross his eyes just to look at it. He slid his hand towards his pocket slowly, not wanting to draw the man's attention to it.

"Well, it's mine now." The smile widened.

"I - I wouldn't do that, if I were you," Bilbo said, his courage returning as he caught sight of the growing crowd behind the man's back.

"Why? You got a party of Halflings ready to come to your rescue, have you?" From the sneer in the man's voice, he didn't think much of that.

"No, a party of Dwarves," Thorin said.

As the man froze, and his eyes widened, Dwalin added, "And we're gonna kick your arse."

The man turned his back on Bilbo, which Bilbo considered rather insulting. No, he wasn't a Dwarf but he did have a sword and he'd been in a fight with Trolls. So, really, he might - theoretically, anyway - have been just as dangerous as Dwalin...or possibly Ori. Bilbo contemplated pulling his sword and poking the man in the rear to get his attention, but there was every chance the man might take exception to that. In any case, Kili was grabbing his arm and pulling him away to where Fili was standing...and neither of them were drawing their swords. In fact, none of the Dwarves were. As Bilbo gazed around wondering why, Dwalin moved forward, cracking his knuckles and looking pleased.

To Bilbo's astonishment, and a little horror, he realised Dwalin was taking on the large man - the very, very large man - alone. "Wha... Is nobody going to help him?"

Bofur chuckled. "What would we do that for? It's going to be an easy fight as it is!"

"You don't want to get between Mr. Dwalin and a fight," Kili added.

Watching, Bilbo could see why. Dwalin seemed rather enthusiastic over the fight, helping the man up just so he could knock him down again.

"Get a move on, brother!" Balin urged. "I'm hungry for my dinner!"

Bilbo's eyes watered in sympathy as Dwalin put the boot in. He was sure that if there were any rules about fighting, that area would be one to avoid.

As the man staggered to his feet again, his hands clutching his most recently-assaulted area, Dwalin head butted him enthusiastically and the man went flying into the river. He seemed to decide robbing Bilbo was more trouble than it was worth and began swimming to the other side.

The show over, Fili grabbed the backpack and shoved it into Bilbo's arms, then dragged him along behind them as the Dwarves began to make their way up the slope.

"That's a fine way to begin a meal," Balin said, looking satisfied.

"I was about to come looking for you," Gandalf told them. "Dinner's ready."

As Bifur sat down, he seemed to be silently replaying the fight for Gandalf's entertainment. And he was entertained; Bilbo recognised the gleam in his eye.

"The Halfling attracts trouble the way meat attracts flies," Thorin commented.

"Aye," Dwalin put in, a bowl of stew already in one hand and what looked like half a loaf in the other. "It's a good thing we brought him along."

The end.


End file.
